Tap It! - Utilise your child's extra energy creatively!

The summer vacations are here. With the schools being closed at this time of the year, there is often ample for a child to do beyond studies. And what if your child belongs to the increasing number of children labelled as active, what then? Will the days in these vacations or even otherwise be a headache for you trying to manage your active child? Or could it be a smooth journey wherein you and your child explore the world together. Read on to find out how you can effectively and creatively use your child's extra energy to bring out some productive results.

First of all, it's important to understand the difference between the terms hyperactive and active. I have many parents who come to me and say stuff like, "my child is always full of energy"; " I don't know what to do with him, he is always running around."; " he never gets tired", etc. Hyperactivity is a pathological condition, which is characterised by extreme over activity, restlessness, an inability to focus and sustain attention on any task, among other key features. Being active on the other hand, is a favoured position to be in as it suggests that the active person can perform many activities and still not get tired easily. Being active is an asset rather than a liability.

Whether you call you child hyperactive, or over active or simply active, (though these terms are not interchangeable) the following are a few things that you can do with your child which will help them spend that extra bit of energy productively.

Sensory Integration activities

These can be wonderful for helping active kids to get their energy out, focus and direct their attention. These activities work in several ways. First, they meet children's needs for sensory input. Some children have especially high needs for touch, for instance, and they will seek out sensory sensations if their needs aren't met. Second, they give the body something to focus nervous energy on so the mind can concentrate. Just as it may be easier to pay attention in a meeting if you're doodling, kids have an easier time focusing if they have fidgets for their fingers or weights on their bodies. Third, these activities help neurologically. Sensory Integration activities help systems of the body such as the vestibular system (related to balance and sense of place) and different parts of the brain work together. Some activities, such as bouncing, actually help with proprioception (the sense of movement and body awareness) and organising the brain.

Outdoor Activities

Overactive children need an outlet for all their energy. Going outside is an ideal way to combine fun with a release for your child's need to move around. Head to the park and let your child climb on the play structures, play football or Frisbee together, or simply go for a walk. Let your child ride his bike up and down your street, with your supervision. Blow bubbles, play hopscotch, or jump on a mini trampoline. When your child is done, he'll probably be worn out and more likely to sit still for a while.

Play in the Water

Water play is an ideal way to wear an overactive child out so he'll rest or sit long enough for you to make dinner or pay the bills. Fill the bathtub and toss in some water toys and let your child pour, dump and splash around. In the summer, fill a wading pool for young kids to play in. Take older kids to the local swimming pool and play games for a couple of hours. Dive for toys or swim laps. Your child gets the chance to expend some energy while having a good time . Always supervise kids closely while they play in the water to prevent drowning.

Read or Color

Reading and coloring takes concentration, which makes both a good way to calm an overactive child while also teaching him to focus and sit still. Reading, like I mentioned in my previous articles,has oodles of benefit. It will force your child to focus on the matter at hand and thus, stay calm while they are at it. Look for simple stories to keep your child engaged. As your child gets older, let him read books to himself for a short time each day. Coloring with crayons or markers offers similar benefits and is good for young children who have trouble sitting still.

Teach deep breathing/yoga/tai chi/meditation

While many of the strategies are things a parent can do to help their child, it is also important to teach your child methods for self-regulation. Deep breathing exercises, yoga, tai chi or meditation all help a child learn to slow down their thoughts and their bodies. Work with a professional if you aren’t sure how to teach your child these different methods of relaxation.

Use music

Soothing music, such as classical music, can help some children calm down. Experiment with different types of music to find out what works for your child. Use music in the background for times when activity levels should be low, such as homework time, dinner time or before bedtime. Several soothing music audios are available freely online, so find the one best for your needs.

Provide fidget alternatives

This one is a type of sensory integration activity. For children who seem eternally restless or must fidget whenever they are trying to sit still, provide fidgeting alternatives to help them release energy and keep moving without disturbing others. Your child might sit still for longer periods of time if he has a stress ball or other object in his hand he can manipulate.

Dance, acting or music classes

Depending on where your child’s interests lie, learning a musical instrument, taking drama classes or learning coordination through dancing can all be excellent afterschool activities.

Research has shown that playing a musical instrument requires both sides of the brain to work at the same time, which helps train the brain to multi-task, while dancing allows kids to get their energy out while still remaining in control of their movements. Acting, while less physical than dance or sport, helps a child to practice their memorisation skills and get in touch with their creative side. Being allowed to act out different characters and scenes helps them to channel their energy and emotions into something productive.

Arts and crafts

Arts and crafts projects are great for teaching children to act on their ideas and turn creative concepts into something concrete. Whether they enjoy painting, model building, woodworking or sewing, taking an idea and seeing it through to completion can be extremely motivating for any child but especially for a child who is active. This works well for hyperactive children as well. It shows them that they are capable of using all their energy as a driving force for something creative and productive.

Camping and outdoor activities

There is nothing like fresh air, nature and physical activity to help your hyperactive child to use their energy for something positive. Taking your child camping is a great opportunity to teach them about nature and help them develop some practical skills. If you don’t have the time to personally take your child on nature walks or go hiking and camping as often as you’d like, scouting camps are a great way to ensure that your child doesn’t miss out on those great experiences. Scouting also helps kids to learn team work and improved social skills.

Helping around the home

If your child comes home from school practically bouncing off the walls with energy, don’t sit them down in front of the TV or allow them to play video games. Instead, ask them if they’d like to help you get dinner ready or do a few simple chores like dusting or vacuuming. Kids often enjoy this kind of quality time with a parent, and it also gives them a sense of responsibility and helps them take pride in their work.

Having a kid full of oodles of energy to expend sit idle is just not going to work out. What's better is providing the child with a platform to release all the energy productively and at the same time preserve it using other mediums like meditation. As a parent you can be the catalyst behind the avenue that your child chooses.

(Article first published in Evescape: May - June, 2014). 

' The F word.' - What to do if your teen starts swearing / cursing?

Scene one -

"You (the parent): Have you cleaned your room Michelle* (your teenage child)?

Michelle: F*** you mom! That's none of your business!"

Scene two-

Aryan, your eight year old is talking to his friend Samar. You happen to overhear the conversation.

"Aryan- Hey Samar, just solve that question for me.

Samar - F*** it dude! it won't come in the exams.

Aryan- Oh yeah! F*** it! "

What's happening in the above two conversations, between a teenager & her mom and between two friends? Take a minute to think what you, as a parent would do in each of the above situations. We will come to the above examples again in a while.

Swearing and / or cursing, in a negative sense, would imply to use offensive or morally inappropriate language. A swear word is one which is generally considered a taboo and openly spoken and is often placed under the common group of bad words. Some of the more commonly used swear words in today's world are F***, ass, shit, dammit, etc. Often, these words are considered so very inappropriate that they are not spelt completely even in print. Apart from these commonly encountered terms in the English language, there are several infamous ones in the regional languages.

To swear is a very common exercise. You and I have both sworn at some point or the other, be it when we were stuck in traffic, when we couldn't meet a work deadline, in a friendly banter with a close friend, or even when we were very angry at the child who didn't obey you, after all that you have done for them. Swearing has been shown to reduce the levels of frustration, anger and other such negative feelings. However, it can have several unwanted repercussions especially when used in situations that demand a certain code of conduct.

Do only adults swear or curse? No, people across age groups swear. Today's average seven year old or fourteen year old is exposed to a lot many influences that determine their behaviour as well as languages usage. To pinpoint one source that could be the driving force for our teens using foul language and using it much more casually than we did, is difficult. There could be many such influences: media, internet, texting with friends, songs with cuss words as well as overhearing the parents conversation. You as a parent cannot even after multiple tries debar your child from these sources and their effect on your child's development and neither should you try to do that. As a responsible parent, however, there is a lot that you can do to prevent your child from swearing.

Let's look at ways in which we can try to handle situations wherein we come across our teens using the cuss words. We will do this in light of the examples cited at the beginning of this article.

Consider the first scene that is mentioned in this article. Your teenage daughter not only answers back to you but also uses abusive language in doing so which greatly offends you. You are taken aback, shocked, and feel pretty much like what any other parent would in a similar situation. Should you now, lock your teen in her room, argue back, abuse her back with more cuss words?

Research over the years suggests that it would be a better option to not get into a fight with your teen in such a situation and neither should you try to preach over them during that heated moment. Instead be firm and affirmative. So in a case like the one mentioned in scene one, a more appropriate thing to do will be to tell your teen, she cannot have her cellphone till she cleans her room and leave the scene then & there.

Once the situation is more under control, you can establish clear rules regarding the use of abusive language at home. It is always advisable to have the same rules for everyone including yourself. If you happen to curse often in front of your child, you cannot blame them and neither can you provide a logical reason in order to stop them from cursing. Have clear penalties in place for anyone who uses abusive language which is uncalled for. For e.g., letting go of one hour of internet time, giving up a day out with friends no matter how much your child tries to manipulate, and the like. The idea that swearing is not allowed should be driven home as promptly as possible.

Now, let's consider the second scene wherein a parent overhears her child's conversation with a friend and finds the mention of the f*** word pretty casually in the same. What will you do as a parent if this scene were unfolding in front of your eyes? Who would you blame? Will you barge in there and start screaming (may be swear in anger)? Would you call up the parents of your child's friend and complain about what their child is teaching to your child?

The answer to all the above questions should be a No. If you react in one or more of the ways mentioned above you are likely to damage your relationship with your child and you may also become the reason why your child suffers damaged friendships. First of all accept the fact that your first priority is your child. So instead of calling over his friends parents to whine and complain, it would be better to let the situation pass. Make a note of all the bad words spoken during the course of their conversation. Once the friend leaves, you can and must have a open talk with your child. And if you know the other child's parents sufficiently well, then try having a conversation with them about it without using any accusations or attempting to malign their child's conduct.

Often, pre teens and sometimes teens don't have a clear idea of what a specific word may mean. They use it because they heard a friend or someone of authority used it in front of them or they think it's cool to use such words. A parent who met me in one of my counselling sessions brought up this issue
and the solution for the same. She mentioned that the first time she heard her child use the f*** word, she asked him if he knew the meaning. To her surprise, the child didn't know the correct meaning and had said the word because someone in his class said it to someone else. The mother wisely explained him the meaning of the word, after which she claims the child was reportedly disgusted to have used the word. This could sound like a fairy tale if your child is the disobedient types. Talking about and explaining the meaning of the abusive word, however, has been found to reduce the instances of its usage much more successfully than threatening your child about the consequences of using these words.

Remember, the first time you overhear your child using a cuss word, should be the last time that they are using it. As a parent it's your responsibility to guard your child for as long as you can & the more strategically you do it, the better will be the results.

* All names used are fictitious.

(Article first published in Evescape: March - April 2014)

SOS for Stressed Out Teens

Stress, is a term used colloquially every now and then. We all have heard and lamented about how stressed we are. Have you ever wondered that your 12 or 15 year old may be equally or even more stressed than you are?

Stress is a feeling that's created when we react to particular events. It's the body's way of rising to a challenge and preparing to meet a tough situation with focus, strength, stamina, and heightened alertness. Stress can be both positive or negative.

Go out and ask a parent if they think their children are more stressed than they were at that age, and most parents will likely answer in the affirmative. Teens today are feeling the pressure of more demanding curriculum, longer homework sessions, high-stakes testing, and more competitive college admissions. There is also the desire to be the most socially desirable person in one's social circles and the constant need to update each life event on the various social media is also adding to the already heightened stress levels.  

We can't blame our teens for the increased amounts of stress that they are experiencing because directly or indirectly we are also partly and in some cases mostly responsible for it. "There's a little fallacy that we have to enrich our children's experience with every kind of lesson and every kind of sport and every kind of club, and that backfires at a certain point," says Goleman (psychologist & author). We are part of the increasingly demanding world that is burdening them with constant pressure to excel in whatever they choose to do and God save them, if they choose to do nothing! 

Now that we are slightly aware of what's causing stress to our teens, let's consider ways in which we can help them to control or reduce it.

To begin with let's refrain from over scheduling our teens time. These days we are constantly pushing our children to go from one class to another, for tuitions, hobby classes, sports, music,  dance, the list is never ending. It's time, the young ones are given the much needed break so that they can have the 'Me' time that we as adults also crave for.

Be realistic when it comes to your teens achievements. If you are the kind of parent who is constantly demanding a 10/10 in each and every assessment that your ward is taking, then you are doing more damage than you can imagine. Nagging children for the same thing again and again can push them away from their studies even if they like it.

Try relaxation strategies with your child. Meditative techniques can be suited to the needs and age of each person. There is a massive amount of research that documents the positive effects of relaxation exercises as simple as deep breathing. Take out time from your schedules for something like a family relaxation hour where in all of you practise relaxation exercises together.

As parents you are the best people to decide upon the ways that can help your teen. Sit down with them. Talk about what's stressing them out. Devise plans, schedules and strategies along with them rather than for them. Take them for short trips where you expect them to do nothing but just relax and have fun. Your teen needs you, not to dictate their lives, but to help them take charge of it without being burdened by the stress that comes along with it.

If the levels of stress among our teens are on rise, so also is the amount of help available for the same. It's time to expose our children to a stress free environment.

(Article first published in Evescape: February 2014)

Writing as a fun activity for Children

For those of you who have read my article on "Inculcating reading habits in your child", this article could be a continuation from that since the foundation stone for good writing skills is exposure to quality reading material. For others; well just read on to find out why is writing fun and how can we make it appear so for our young ones.

Writing is often labeled to be a monotonous & mundane activity that seems to be the last thing which anybody in the world would do for the sake of fun. Do you feel this way? If your answer to this question is a Yes then Congrats, you may belong to a large group of people who will not pick a pen to save their lives. But you will also agree, that there is a huge group of people out there who are writing day in & day out to produce all those lovely pieces of reading material that you and I read to relax, to gather knowledge, etc. Since time immemorial people have been putting pen to paper to document all that which has ever happened around us. The point I am trying to make is that writing is a crucial part of our existence and it can be fun too.

In this age we as parents are constantly pestering our young ones to write. Write what? Homework... Homework.. & more Homework. If they don't want to write we nag them till they finish their work and then the responsibility is over. But have we as parents ever encouraged our children to write something other than what their studies mandate. Have you ever told your child that writing could be fun, that they can make a career out of writing? Your child can grow up to be a writer for magazines, school books, newspapers, a novelist & on the more glamorous side, a script writer for plays & movies to name a few from the wide range of career paths associated with writing.

Young minds are full of imagination, wonder and curiosity. Writing can be an amazing outlet for kids – allowing them full reign to express their personality and creativity. So let's see what we can do at home to make writing fun for our kids.

1. To start with, expose your child to quality reading material because it forms the backdrop of good writing skills.

2. Talk about your writing. It would be wrong to expect our children to write if we ourselves detest writing. So for starters, even if you are not a prolific writer, discuss with your child about whatever little you write, be it a letter or an email, a blog post or other similar stuff. It's about modelling to the child a good habit that they may adopt.

3. Organise weekly or quarterly Family Writing Sessions which mandates the involvement of all your family members. Allow all participants to come up with any writing item, be it a poem, a short story, a riddle, etc. Encouragement should be provided to write about experiences  as well. So, for example, if you have recently had a family outing to a movie, for a dinner or a vacation, then all family members can write about their experiences about the same. Each member shall read out their piece and others can provide a feedback about the same. Regular sessions like these are likely to implant and increase the habit of writing and at the same time may increase family bonding.

4. Encourage your child to develop the habit of Diary Writing. Apart from doing the obvious role of making writing a regular habit it will also help your child to unwind by writing down all those feelings and thoughts which they are not comfortable sharing with anyone. Needless to say,  a diary is one of the most personal items and the privacy of your child should be maintained. If they want to share something, they will, so give them that space.

5. Set rewards and shower praises when you come across something written by your child which is good. Share your feedback about the same and try not to be overly critical.

6. Let your child know that every profession requires writing be it that of doctor, engineer, teacher. Irrespective of the amount of writing that's needed all professions do require one to write.

7. Give your child opportunity to showcase their writing. Newspapers, magazines, online sources like blogs, etc., encourage as well as require writers. So find out about these and get your child's writing published. This will put forth your child's work to the world and for all you know, your young one may grow up to be a sought after writer.

8. Finally, we all love gifts. Try to Give Gifts to your child which are Associated with Writing. So for example, items like colourful pens, cartoon character specific pencils, diaries, letter-pads, etc. can prove to be strategic gift items for promoting writing habits in your child.

Writing is an art in itself which can be developed in each one of us. So, what are you waiting for? Pick up a pen or that cool gadget of yours and get going.

(Article first published in Evescape: January 2014 as Writing Could be Fun Too) 

Inculcate Reading Habits in your Child.

In today's times the young ones spend more time on the cool gadgets they flaunt, be it a swanky phone or tablet or a gaming console. The interest in reading is diminishing with each passing day. Ultimately who do you think is to blame? Do we blame the children who have been given these gadgets by their loved ones or do we pinpoint fingers at the parents or media who have exposed the children to these instruments. An important question is whether children's diminished interest in reading is due to overexposure to other faster & apparently more fun options available or is it just due to a lack of exposure to interesting & age-appropriate reading material.

Today, we have world class reading material available at our disposal at all times in the day, and night. Gone are those days when you need to pursue your child to walk to the nearest library every week to procure books of interest & gone are those days when the only way to read a book or an article was in an hard copy format. E-books are a fad & so are the gadgets that promote e-reading (and our children have all of them). Then why is reading is no more a habit pursued in those lazy afternoons or in those much awaited summer vacations?

Let's see how we can inculcate reading as a habit in our young ones. Let's make it fun for them; whether they choose to pick up a dusty old Agatha Christie from a second hand book store or they download an e book for it, should be entirely their decision.

To begin with Start Young. - If you were a dad who read to your child while he/she was still in the womb then applauds for you but if not then you didn't lose out on anything either. It's important that we expose children to books and reading material as early as possible. So for the extremely young ones, books with big pictures can be used and for the 5-6 yr. olds those with two-three lines per page can be effectively used.

Lead by examples.- You cannot expect your child to read if you detest it yourself. So set an example for your young one by reading yourself. Talk about books, your favourites, the ones you didn't like, etc., during family time. Include your children in discussions by asking them about a book both of you may have read & even books that your child loves but seem like a waste of time to you.

Read together. - Reading together is a beneficial activity. You can do role plays for comic books, take turns in reading aloud character roles from plays & the like. All in all your aim should be to make reading fun for everybody involved.

Frequent a bookstore and tag along your child with you. - If you love books then you surely know how it feels like to be in a bookstore where you have books on all the topics possible. These days most bookstores have a section dedicated to children where they can explore whatever interests them. Let them choose what they want to buy & refrain from giving your comments over what's good or bad unless asked for.

Join a library/ subscribe to a monthly magazine which everybody in the family can read. - Have at least an hour in a week dedicated for a visit to the library. Most libraries let you take books home at a minimal charge and it opens up a great avenue for reading without having to invest heavily in the same. Once again, if you do it then chances of your kids doing the same is high as well. Subscribing to a magazine that may have something for everyone in the family is a good way to boost reading as well as to keep up with new trends & topics. Further, if you have a magazine lying around in your house, then it may just catch somebody's attention and propel them to flip over.

Don't force. - Now let's get this right. You cannot force reading & all the more you cannot force them to read a particular book rather than the one they want to read. If you are doing this then you are probably causing more harm than you think. Let your child choose what they want to read. Intervene only if you think that your child is reading age inappropriate material which may have repercussions for him/her & explain why you think they should not be reading that.

A Good Selection of Books at Home is a must. - Keep books you like, your children like or may like, and keep it all on display. Have a small library of your own in the house. Having books in sight, where they can be touched & seen, picked up for reading as and when one wants can act as a boon for facilitating the habit.

Set up a special area. - Have that small corner in your house or in your child's bedroom where they can display their books, keep a beanbag if your child enjoys sitting on one & reading and have other such tiny arrangements just to make reading more fun for your child.

Lastly, remember, Reading is important, not the medium through which it is accomplished. So if your child enjoys the e- books more than a hard copy, it's ok. What's important is that they are reading & enjoying it too. We are living in a digital world & we should be happy that our children are keeping pace with the modern time because that's what matters in the long run.

Reading is a habit that will prove valuable for your child in the long run. Give your child the gift of reading that has the power to shape their lives. There is a whole world out there which will remain hidden from the one who doesn't read. So, go ahead, open the door to the magical world of books.


(Article first published in Evescape: December 2013)

Praise your kids in the right manner

When it comes to praising your kids, quality may actually matter more over the quantity. Along with what kind of praises are showered over your children, the way these praises are communicated are of key importance.

It is often a dilemma for the parents as to what's the most appropriate way to praise their children. How much should the kids be praised? How to praise them? What will communicate to the children that something they did was great and something else was not that great? And while doing all this also keep in mind that as parents our comments should help boost the child's self-esteem.

   

Too much or too little of anything is bad and same goes for the praises we offer our kids. Praising your child without much attention or overpraising is likely to backfire. It may lead to children internalising feelings that they are supposed to live up to a standard at all times thus pressurising the child. It may also lead to children becoming praise hungry and always competing with siblings or peers. Sincerity in what you are saying to your child is crucial as a casual or misplaced praise can raise the child's doubts over himself and his abilities.

Praises can be offered verbally, for e.g., That is a good piece of drawing by you OR by means of something tangible, i.e., physical praises, for e.g., Your daughter gets the best dressed character in a fancy dress competition. You take her out for an ice-cream to celebrate her achievement.

We as parents can follow a few basic guidelines while praising our children:

* Be specific: So for example your son has drawn a landscape painting. Instead of merely saying that's a good drawing, you can go further and choose to say 'The use of that colour blue is done very nicely.' This will suggest to the child that you have truly paid attention to his work and will give him a sense of accomplishment.

* Acknowledge any new accomplishment: Your child learns to bake a cup cake and gets you taste it. Now the cupcake happens to be too sweet for your taste buds. What would you do? You can tell your child how the cupcake is too sweet and better luck next time. Or you can say something like, 'Well done, you baked a yummy cupcake and encourage him /her to follow their passions. Remember that the first time of learning something new is not necessarily the time that you need to be critical with your children.

* Praise the effort: It is important that along with praising our children for their achievements we also praise them for their efforts. In today's competitive world we as parents often become too competitive and stress only on coming first, rather being the best. However, it's important to communicate to the children, that what's more important is to try new things, keep trying, and take pride in our efforts however big or small.

*Encourage new activities: Praise your child while they are learning something new for e.g., learning to ride a bicycle, and encourage them to learn from their mistakes. Yes, it's ok to make mistakes so don't be too harsh with your child when he falls off that bicycle the first time, rather tell him that everybody does, so that he keeps trying till he succeeds.

*Don't praise the obvious: Try to avoid praising the child's attributes. Too much of praises like "You are so smart, beautiful, talented" is bound to make the children either over confident of themselves and thus face problems in later life. An excess of such comments may also make the child feel that these are empty comments and you as a parent don't really mean anything by it.

To conclude it can be said that praising is all about telling our children that we see and we recognise all their efforts and all their work and all their struggles to be better.  Therefore to praise in a meaningful way, we need to set aside time to observe and to watch and know our children. We can’t praise what we don’t see.

(Article first published in Evescape: October 2013)

Check your habit before it turns into an Obsession / Compulsion

Do you wash your hands 10...20..40 times a day? Do you count till 20 before you go out of your house every single time?Do you check whether your cupboard is locked at least 20 times in an hour?

    Is your answer to any of the above questions a yes? Is it a long-standing habit or an obsession / compulsion? Let's explore when to say no to a long standing habit before it turns into a nightmarish obsession / compulsion.

To begin with let's first understand what an obsession or compulsion essentially means:

* Obsession:  Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting. Obsessions typically cause stress and in order to alleviate that stress we engage in a behaviour. Since relieving of stress is a pleasurable experience we end up performing a behaviour every time in response to the stress which ultimately gives rise to a compulsion.

*Compulsions: These are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away. For example, if you’re afraid of contamination, you might develop elaborate cleaning rituals. However, the relief never lasts. In fact, the obsessive thoughts usually come back stronger. And the compulsive behaviours often end up causing anxiety themselves as they become more demanding and time-consuming.

Just because one has obsessive thoughts or performs compulsive behaviors does NOT mean that one has obsessive-compulsive disorder. With OCD, these thoughts and behaviors cause tremendous distress, take up a lot of time, and interfere with one's daily life and relationships. (A diagnosis of obsessive compulsive disorder is given only & only if an obsession or compulsion or both are present in accordance with the the diagnostic criteria mentioned in the DSM 5)

Some of the most commonly seen compulsions / obsessions are:

- Cleaning (contamination obsession & cleaning compulsion);

- Symmetry ( symmetry obsessions & repeating, counting & ordering compulsion);

- Forbidden or taboo thoughts (e.g., aggressive, sexual or religious obsessions and related compulsions)

- Harm (fear of harm to oneself or others & checking compulsions)

- A tendency to hoard items of no apparent use as a response to a specific obsession. (Source: DSM - 5)

After having understood what an obsession or compulsion means, let's try to differentiate between a healthy habit and a compulsion (with its underlying obsession). For this we take a few examples:

The first is that of hand washing.

We all wash our hands before & after our meals, after using the loo, etc. This behaviour is by far considered healthy and has been shown to have positive effects in our life. So, I use the loo, wash my hands and am done with it. But what if, I wash my hands 10 times after flushing the toilet and am still not convinced that they are clean. And while am busy cleaning my hands till I feel satisfied with the work done, my children are waiting anxiously for me so that they can go to school, after all they are running late. Or what if I keep cleaning my hands with the soap, a scrubber and other such cleansing agents even after blood starts showing through the cracks that developed in my palms, after all I have been cleaning them since the past 45 mins non-stop?

   In the above example, when I engage in a normal healthy act of washing my hand once that will

 be considered a good habit. But in the second case wherein I do the same hand washing behaviour innumerable times, at the expense of other things that are causing serious difficulties in my life or those involved in my life as well as causing me physical dismay and I still am not able to stop the behaviour that's a compulsion. This cleaning compulsion could have been driven by a persistent thought (obsession) about getting contaminated from flushing the toilet.

Let's take a second example of counting till 10.

So for instance, you count till ten in your mind when you are leaving for work. It started as just a random thing. One fine day you felt like counting. The next day, the thought again came to you and you counted till 10 just before you left for work and so every day after this you continued to count. Is this harmful? Why would it be? After all you are just counting a few numbers before you begin your day, it's not eating up your time and gives you the mental satisfaction of having done something in a routine.

   Then one fine day you forget to count and you coincidentally had a bad day at work. Instantly you assume that since you forgot to count in the morning, your day turning into a nightmare is related to that. So now ritualistically you count every morning, slowly you start counting before every important task you do and eventually it takes over a considerable amount of your time and you end up spending almost half your waking time in indulging in the counting behaviour. Now this is a compulsion which is slowly taking hold of your life and actions.

In both the above examples, I have tried to reiterate the fact that a pattern of behaviour or thoughts is considered healthy and should be kept as a habit if that behaviour brings about a positive change in your life, does not cause any social or occupational difficulty and finally does not end up binding you. On the other side, a thought or behaviour pattern that is disruptive, time consuming, exacts an adverse impact on your social, mental, occupational, physical well-being or results in magical / wishful thinking, then may be its time to cut down on that habit and seek professional help if needed.

5 steps to get rid of a compulsion / obsession / habit:

1. First and foremost seek professional help. It's most important that if you are suffering from an obsession or a compulsion you get to the bottom of it straightaway and seek therapeutic assistance.

2. Admit you have a habit you want to get rid of. Ask yourself questions such as why a particular habit is bad, what's holding you back from getting rid of the habit, etc. Gaining more perspective into your habits is likely to help you get rid of it.

3. Refocus your attention. Whenever you are experiencing obsessive thoughts or more simply an intense urge to do something, try shifting your attention to something else like go for a jog, listen music, etc., just to delay the performance of the compulsive behaviour. It's likely to reduce the urge to perform the act.

4. Think and act in slow motion: Select a behaviour, for example, hand washing; slow down your thinking and physical movements while performing the behaviour, pause at several points to take a calming breath and let go of tensions; & finally when you do feel ready stop performing the task completely and tolerate the stress that follows.

5. Prepare a journal. Take some time out and write a journal wherein you can write about that one specific habit that you want to get rid of, how is it affecting your life, on a specific date how did it eat through your time which you could have used otherwise and the like. You can also make a journal record for an obsessive thought or compulsion in a similar manner.

Remember, if a habit is pulling you down in any way, may be its time to take a second, have a look at it and stop it before it starts ruling your life.

(Article first published in Evescape: November 2013 as Obsessions & Compulsions: Say no to a long standing habit.)