' The F word.' - What to do if your teen starts swearing / cursing?

Scene one -

"You (the parent): Have you cleaned your room Michelle* (your teenage child)?

Michelle: F*** you mom! That's none of your business!"

Scene two-

Aryan, your eight year old is talking to his friend Samar. You happen to overhear the conversation.

"Aryan- Hey Samar, just solve that question for me.

Samar - F*** it dude! it won't come in the exams.

Aryan- Oh yeah! F*** it! "

What's happening in the above two conversations, between a teenager & her mom and between two friends? Take a minute to think what you, as a parent would do in each of the above situations. We will come to the above examples again in a while.

Swearing and / or cursing, in a negative sense, would imply to use offensive or morally inappropriate language. A swear word is one which is generally considered a taboo and openly spoken and is often placed under the common group of bad words. Some of the more commonly used swear words in today's world are F***, ass, shit, dammit, etc. Often, these words are considered so very inappropriate that they are not spelt completely even in print. Apart from these commonly encountered terms in the English language, there are several infamous ones in the regional languages.

To swear is a very common exercise. You and I have both sworn at some point or the other, be it when we were stuck in traffic, when we couldn't meet a work deadline, in a friendly banter with a close friend, or even when we were very angry at the child who didn't obey you, after all that you have done for them. Swearing has been shown to reduce the levels of frustration, anger and other such negative feelings. However, it can have several unwanted repercussions especially when used in situations that demand a certain code of conduct.

Do only adults swear or curse? No, people across age groups swear. Today's average seven year old or fourteen year old is exposed to a lot many influences that determine their behaviour as well as languages usage. To pinpoint one source that could be the driving force for our teens using foul language and using it much more casually than we did, is difficult. There could be many such influences: media, internet, texting with friends, songs with cuss words as well as overhearing the parents conversation. You as a parent cannot even after multiple tries debar your child from these sources and their effect on your child's development and neither should you try to do that. As a responsible parent, however, there is a lot that you can do to prevent your child from swearing.

Let's look at ways in which we can try to handle situations wherein we come across our teens using the cuss words. We will do this in light of the examples cited at the beginning of this article.

Consider the first scene that is mentioned in this article. Your teenage daughter not only answers back to you but also uses abusive language in doing so which greatly offends you. You are taken aback, shocked, and feel pretty much like what any other parent would in a similar situation. Should you now, lock your teen in her room, argue back, abuse her back with more cuss words?

Research over the years suggests that it would be a better option to not get into a fight with your teen in such a situation and neither should you try to preach over them during that heated moment. Instead be firm and affirmative. So in a case like the one mentioned in scene one, a more appropriate thing to do will be to tell your teen, she cannot have her cellphone till she cleans her room and leave the scene then & there.

Once the situation is more under control, you can establish clear rules regarding the use of abusive language at home. It is always advisable to have the same rules for everyone including yourself. If you happen to curse often in front of your child, you cannot blame them and neither can you provide a logical reason in order to stop them from cursing. Have clear penalties in place for anyone who uses abusive language which is uncalled for. For e.g., letting go of one hour of internet time, giving up a day out with friends no matter how much your child tries to manipulate, and the like. The idea that swearing is not allowed should be driven home as promptly as possible.

Now, let's consider the second scene wherein a parent overhears her child's conversation with a friend and finds the mention of the f*** word pretty casually in the same. What will you do as a parent if this scene were unfolding in front of your eyes? Who would you blame? Will you barge in there and start screaming (may be swear in anger)? Would you call up the parents of your child's friend and complain about what their child is teaching to your child?

The answer to all the above questions should be a No. If you react in one or more of the ways mentioned above you are likely to damage your relationship with your child and you may also become the reason why your child suffers damaged friendships. First of all accept the fact that your first priority is your child. So instead of calling over his friends parents to whine and complain, it would be better to let the situation pass. Make a note of all the bad words spoken during the course of their conversation. Once the friend leaves, you can and must have a open talk with your child. And if you know the other child's parents sufficiently well, then try having a conversation with them about it without using any accusations or attempting to malign their child's conduct.

Often, pre teens and sometimes teens don't have a clear idea of what a specific word may mean. They use it because they heard a friend or someone of authority used it in front of them or they think it's cool to use such words. A parent who met me in one of my counselling sessions brought up this issue
and the solution for the same. She mentioned that the first time she heard her child use the f*** word, she asked him if he knew the meaning. To her surprise, the child didn't know the correct meaning and had said the word because someone in his class said it to someone else. The mother wisely explained him the meaning of the word, after which she claims the child was reportedly disgusted to have used the word. This could sound like a fairy tale if your child is the disobedient types. Talking about and explaining the meaning of the abusive word, however, has been found to reduce the instances of its usage much more successfully than threatening your child about the consequences of using these words.

Remember, the first time you overhear your child using a cuss word, should be the last time that they are using it. As a parent it's your responsibility to guard your child for as long as you can & the more strategically you do it, the better will be the results.

* All names used are fictitious.

(Article first published in Evescape: March - April 2014)