Manage Your Child's Temper Tantrums

As counsellors, or experts dealing with young children, we have all heard, more often than not, about the various temper tantrum complains that parents have about their children. “My child throws things around if he doesn’t get what he wants”; “My daughter cries loudly and bangs her head on the wall to get what is denied to her”; “My son refuses to eat till promised that he will get chocolates later on”; these are all common laments of parents with children who throw temper tantrums.

So which behaviour can be rightly classified as a temper tantrum? A tantrum or temper tantrum is an emotional outbreak, usually associated with children or sometimes adults (often under emotional distress), typically characterised by stubbornness, crying, screaming, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification and in some cases, hitting. Some people with neurological conditions such as autism or intellectual disability are more prone to tantrums than others.

A tantrum may not always be an attempt to seek the gratification of a need. It could also be an inappropriate way of expressing oneself which the child has learned by imitation, or because it led to successfully attracting attention of the parent in the past and for other similar reasons. During a temper tantrum, children often cry, yell, and swing their arms and legs. Temper tantrums usually last 30 seconds to 2 minutes and are most intense at the start. Sometimes temper tantrums last longer and are more severe. The child may hit, bite, and pinch. These violent tantrums, in which children harm themselves or others, may be sign of a more serious problem. Temper tantrums are most common in children between ages 1 to 4, but anyone can have a tantrum- even adults.

Why Children throw tantrums? Research shows that children’s outbursts are as normal as a biological response to anger and frustration as yawn is to fatigue. Simply put, throwing tantrums is part and parcel of growing up. A tantrum is a normal response when something blocks a young child from gaining independence or learning a skill. The child may not yet have the skills to express anger and frustration in other ways. For example, a temper tantrum may occur when a child becomes frustrated when it’s time to go to bed but he /she want to stay up.

Some children are more likely to throw temper tantrums than other children. Factors that predispose a child to throwing tantrums are:

-  Level of stress

- Level of tiredness

- Child's Age

-   Presence of any physical, emotional or mental problem

-      - Parents’ behaviour: a child is more likely to have temper tantrums if parents react too strongly to poor behaviour or give in to the child’s demands.

Quick tips on managing a temper tantrum in very young children:

-                - Reduce your child’s stress as tired & hungry children are more likely to throw tantrums.

-             - Be aware of how your child is feeling. If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try distracting your child with another activity.

-        - When a tantrum occurs, stay calm or at least pretend to. Speak calmly and act deliberately and slowly.

-           - Wait out the tantrum as once a tantrum is in full swing the child will be in no mood to listen. -  - - -  - Further, any reaction on your part at this time will teach your child that tantrums attract your attention and thus reinforce his / her behaviour.

-            - Reward your child enthusiastically when they exhibit good behaviour.

-          - Keep a diary for your child’s tantrums for 7 to 10 days. Identify the situations in which tantrums are more likely, for e.g., at the mall; identify the trigger for your child’s tantrums, for e.g., refusing to buy him / her chocolate; and identify the consequences of the tantrum. Once you have identified the pattern of tantrums, you can establish a reward system to encourage your child for staying calm.

Remember, the key here is to stay calm in your interactions with your child. Most children outgrow temper tantrums with age and the use of basic tantrum management techniques. If your child does not outgrow the habit of throwing tantrums, seek professional help and help your child find healthier ways to deal with issues at hand. 

(Article First published in Evescape, March-April, 2015.)

Importance of Play in a Child's Life

"You can know more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation" - Plato

This quote holds true in the modern world even after decades of the great thinker saying it aloud. As a play therapist, I can vouch for the truth behind this statement and so will most other play therapists. 

In today's world, our children are under tremendous pressure from all quarters. Be it their parents, teachers or friends, everybody expects something out of a child who is still learning the ways of life. As parents we push our child to excel at academics while at the same time being the best at sports, dance & drama, perhaps at playing musical instruments, etc., etc. Simply put my child should be better than everyone else's children in the neighbourhood. As teachers we may knowingly or unknowingly compare our students with each other, praise a few and ignore a few. Whatever be the case, the bottom line is that today's average 8 yr. old or 12 yr. old is under much more pressure than we were. The desire to excel at everything which the child or rather his/her parent decides to do comes at one big cost. This cost is the "Elimination of Play" from a child's life. 

The focus of this article will be on what essentially is play and why is it crucial to the overall development of your child. 

"Play encompasses children's behaviour which is freely chosen, personally directed and intrinsically motivated. It is performed for no external goal or reward, and is a fundamental and integral part of healthy development - not only for individual children, but also for the society in which they live." (Source: WWW)

The important characteristics of play are:

- Freely chosen means that children themselves decide what, how and when to play. There is no set programme of playing and no specific steps to complete. 

- Personally directed means that children themselves decide the rules and roles they take within their play. 

- Intrinsically motivated means that play is taken up for its own sake and not indulged in for some rewards, certificates, etc. 

Play is a way more complex activity than what we think. Sociologist Mildred Parten discovered there are six types of play that a child will take part in, depending on their age, mood and social setting. They are:

• Unoccupied play Referring mostly to newborns and infants, the term unoccupied play refers to activity when a child actually isn't playing at all. He may be engaged in seemingly random movements, with no objective. Despite appearances, this is definitely play and setting the stage for future play exploration.
• Solitary (independent) play Just what it sounds like -- when your child plays alone. This type of play is important because it teaches a child how to keep himself entertained, eventually setting the path for being self sufficient. 
• Onlooker play is when a child simply observes other children playing and doesn't partake in the action. Don't worry if your little one is behaving this way -- it could be that the child feels shy or needs to learn the rules or maybe is the youngest and wants to just take a step back for a while. 
• Parallel play Put two three year olds in a room together and this is what you are likely to see: the two children having fun, playing side by side in their own little world. It doesn't mean that they don't like one another, they are just engaging in parallel play. Despite having little social contact with her playmate, children who parallel play actually learn quite a bit from one another like taking turns and other social niceties, because even though it appears they aren't paying attention to each other, they truly are and often mimic the other one's behavior. As such, this type of play is viewed as an important bridge to the later stages of play.
• Associative play Slightly different than parallel play, associative play also features children playing separately from one another, but in this mode of play they are involved with what the others are doing. This is an important stage of play because it helps little ones develop a whole host of skills -- socialisation  and problem solving and cooperation. Through associative play is how children begin to make real friendships.
• Cooperative play is where all the stages come together and children truly start playing together. Common in older preschoolers (or in younger preschoolers who have older siblings or have been around a lot of children), cooperative play brings together all of the social skills your child has been working on and puts them into action. Whether they are building a puzzle together, playing a board game, "house" or an outdoor game with a group, cooperative play really sets the stage for future interactions as your child matures into an adult.

Having time and space to play gives children the opportunity to meet and socialise with their friends, keeps them physically active, and gives the freedom to choose what they want to do. Research shows that play has many benefits for children, families and the wider community, as well as improving health and quality of life. Recent research suggests that children's access to good play provision can:

• increase their self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-respect
• improve and maintain their physical and mental health
• give them the opportunity to mix with other children
• allow them to increase their confidence through developing new skills
• promote their imagination, independence and creativity
• offer opportunities for children of all abilities and backgrounds to play together
• provide opportunities for developing social skills and learning
• build resilience through risk taking and challenge, problem solving, and dealing with new and novel situations
• provide opportunities to learn about their environment and the wider community.

A therapy form that employs the basic principles of play in dealing with the various issues faced by children is Play Therapy. This therapy form is most effective with children up to 12 yrs of age to work upon a lot of concerns primarily behavioural and emotional which are encountered by children of the primary school age. The basic philosophy behind play therapy is to let children be and engage in play in an environment that does not try to guide them. With constant exposure to an environment where children can let their guard down and be accepted the way they are, eventually leads to reduced behavioural and emotional disturbances. 

Let your child free for at least an hour a day and witness them explore their world as they deem fit. 1 hour of unstructured play time is one of the best gifts you can give to your child.

(Article first published in Evescape, January-February, 2015.)

Women in the workplace: A psychological viewpoint.

In today's world a lot of women are stepping out of their homes to work. Women of all age groups, from all strata of society and even those who can live a fairly comfortable life even if they don't work are entering the work scenario. So basically working is more often a choice for women rather than an option and a lot of women are choosing this path for a varied range of reasons which may range from a desire for financial independence to just being able to keep oneself busy. Whatever the reason may be, you can see women at all levels of positions in the work environment and in all kind of work settings.

Men go out to work and they have a set of problems to deal with. Well similarly, if women are going out to work they will also have a set of problems to deal with. And it's no surprise that women have to deal with not only the problems at work but also problems at home. We will talk more about that in later articles. 

There is a lot of stuff online about the various challenges and pressures that women face while working. Since I have been invited to write for the magazine as a psychologist, I will leave the commonly written about issues aside. Instead, let's look at the various challenges at work for women which manifest themselves psychologically and may affect the female worker's mental health. In this article we will look into these factors briefly and in the future articles we will try to look into each one with greater detail. 

The list of the psychological issues faced by women at work is exhaustive. More often than not, these issues also contributes to or takes away from their mental health. Let's look at some of these key issues keeping in mind that each is a result of and contributes to some other factor which may or may not be mentioned here. Let's also keep in mind that not every woman may face these issues and some of you out there are probably not facing any issue, which is great! 

Women the world over are susceptible to a range of mental health issues. Working women have their own set of mental health problems. To quote the WHO "There is no health without mental health." Work pressure accompanied with pressure from home, work timings, relationships with colleagues, nature of the work, etc., can lead to mental stress. This can be accompanied with depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, to name a few. Most of the times, people don't seek help for these concerns. And the various issues keep piling till one day the person experiences a breakdown. 

Women work two jobs. One is more acknowledged where we get paid in monetary terms and the other is rather a silent job where given the society we live in its supposed to be a duty entrusted upon us simply because we are women.  This double shift adds not only a lot of physical strain but also a lot of mental stress. Imagine if the men were to work 9 to 5 in one place and then come back "home" where they would work 5 to 9. How would they react?

Many a times I have female patients who are bright women but gave up work post marriage because there families would not like it. In the other scenario, where the women are allowed to work, there is often a lack of understanding on the part of the family regarding her work timings, the list is endless. Not only at the home front but often at work, women don't support other women. At the beginners level women are often cooperative but when it comes to competitive environments, women often want to pull down the other women. And then of course there is a lack of support sometimes from the male coworkers who may not take easily toward a female superior. The lack of social support is pervasive. 

Some research suggests that when it comes to achieving targets in the work world, women are their own worst enemies. They have a lot of self imposed barriers. I have met women in therapy who imagine all the boundaries they talk about, and these boundaries have never been spoken of or discussed by their families. They just assume that's how it is. Apart from hindering their professional
growth, these self imposed barriers also give rise to anxiety, low self respect, undervaluing one's achievements, and the like. 

Any form of harassment at work or even at home is a serious offence. Dismally, however, a large portion of women the world over believe that it's right if their men physically or verbally abuse them if they didn't do something as per desired. At the workplace, harassment can take several forms, the most serious of them all being sexual in nature. Whether as a superior or a subordinate, sexual harassment is a grim reality faced by women in most work settings. If someone dares to press charges of harassment against one's boss or company, it may first of all take years for the case to come to a conclusion and by that time, the society has made enough judgements about the victim that she will be haunted by it for the rest of her life thus getting mentally scarred in the process. 

There is a lot of hue and cry over the unequal pay that women receive for the same amount of work as their male counterparts. More than anything else, this inequality of pay is causing a lot of psychological harm to women. Low and unequal pay contributes to the entire cycle of reduced sense of self worth, undervaluing one's own capacity thus eventually trickling down to low productivity and the cycle continues.

Mental health is a largely ignored area and mental healthcare for women is even more sidelined. It's time we acknowledge the various mental health issues that pose a challenge for a working woman and do something to tackle them. 

(Article first published in Evescape, November, 2014)

Child Abuse: A Dark Reality.

A 5 yr. old boy is made to stand naked by his 40 yr. old uncle while the latter stares at the naked child for a while. A 10 yr. old girl is raped by her school teacher. Somewhere a 15 yr. old boy fondles the private parts of his 6. yr. old sister almost regularly. Someplace else a father molests his 10 yr old girl and 12 yr old boy in front of their mother who refuses to believe this is happening in her house and thus, does nothing about it.

These above cases may be unnamed works of fiction for the sake of citing examples, but the fact that similar incidents may be occurring at the rate at which one blinks is no fantasy, but a dark despairing reality. 

What is child abuse? Would you label sexual / physical assault on a child as abuse? Is abuse limited to physical touching? A widely accepted definition of child abuse is: "Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation". As is evident from this definition, child abuse is a broad term that is not limited to acts of physical or sexual violence against children but abuse also encompasses incidents of emotional abuse and child neglect. 

Incidents of sexual or physical abuse are definitely damaging to the child's overall sense of self and to a large extent influences their adult development. However, serious psychological harm can occur where the behaviour of a child's parent or caregiver damages the confidence and self esteem of the child or young person, resulting in serious emotional disturbance or psychological trauma. For example, making negative comparisons of your child to others or telling a child he or she is “no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake" can lead to deep self doubt in a child. 

Child neglect or negligent treatment of a child is purposeful omission of some or all developmental needs of the child by a caregiver with the intention of harming the child. This includes the failure of protecting the child from a harmful situation or environment when feasible. It is a pattern of failing to provide for a child's basic needs, whether it be adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Intentionally neglecting a child can lead to severe setbacks in a child's overall development. 

Physical abuse is a non-accidental injury or pattern of injuries to a child or young person caused by a parent, caregiver or any other person. It includes but is not limited to injuries which are caused by excessive discipline, severe beatings or shakings, cigarette burns, attempted strangulation and female genital mutilation. Injuries may include bruising, lacerations or welts, burns, fractures or dislocation of joints. Very simply put, slapping a child for not doing their homework is an act of abuse and it's illegal. 

More recently, there has been a lot of media reports regarding incidents of child sexual abuse. The matter itself is very grave, needs a lot of awareness among the masses and efforts need to be made to curtail the incidence of child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of a child is engaging him or her in any sexual activity that he/she does not understand or cannot give informed consent for or is not physically, mentally or emotionally prepared for. Abuse can be conducted by an adult or another child who is developmentally superior to the victim. This includes using a child for pornography, sexual materials, prostitution and unlawful sexual practises. Exposing a child to sexual situations or materials is abusive, whether or not touching is involved. Child sexual abuse is increasingly rampant and in all strata of society. Most often when a child reports to their parents about such an act which they were subjected to, the parents try to hush it up for fear of embarrassment in front of friends or family or often because they don't believe their child or at least pretend not to. 

In India, the data from the National Study on Child Abuse (2007) reveals disturbing findings. 2 out of every 3 children in India are physically abused. 53.22 % of all Indian children have been sexually
abused at sometime. 50 % of the sexual abusers are people known to the child or persons in positions of trust and authority. The study also revealed that every second child in India has reported experiencing emotional abuse. In 83 % of the emotional abuse case, parents of the child were the abusers. W.H.O. estimates that 150 million girls and 73 million boys under 18 have been subjected to forced sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual violence. 

What is it thats propelling people to abuse young children? Is it a question of morality, superiority or sheer psychopathology? In this article I will refrain from speaking on that matter. Instead, let's focus our attention on the understanding and prevention of child abuse. 

Some myths and facts about child abuse: 

MYTH #1: It's only abuse if it's violent.

Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene.

MYTH #2: Child abuse doesn't happen in “good” families.

Fact: Child abuse doesn't only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside may be hiding a different story behind closed doors.

MYTH #3: Most child abusers are strangers.

Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family. As mentioned earlier, 50 % of the sexual abusers are known to the victim.

Here are 10 signs that can help you identify if your child has been subjected to abuse: 

1. Unexplained injuries : Visible signs of physical abuse may include unexplained burns or bruises. You may also hear unconvincing explanations of a child’s injuries.

2. Changes in behaviour: Abuse can lead to many changes in a child’s behaviour. Abused children often appear scared, anxious, depressed, withdrawn or more aggressive.

3. Returning to earlier behaviours: Abused children may display behaviours shown at earlier ages, such as thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, fear of the dark or strangers. For some children, even loss of acquired language or memory problems may be an issue.

4. Fear of going home: Abused children may express apprehension or anxiety about leaving school or about going places with the person who is abusing them.

5. Changes in eating: The stress, fear and anxiety caused by abuse can lead to changes in a child’s eating behaviors, which may result in drastic weight gain or weight loss.

6. Changes in sleeping: Abused children may have frequent nightmares or have difficulty falling asleep, and as a result may appear tired or fatigued.

7. Changes in school performance and attendance: Abused children may have difficulty concentrating in school or have excessive absences, sometimes due to adults trying to hide the children’s injuries from authorities.

8. Lack of personal care or hygiene: Abused and neglected children may appear uncared for. They may present as consistently dirty and have severe body odor, or they may lack sufficient clothing for
the weather.

9. Risk-taking behaviours: Young people who are being abused may engage in high-risk activities such as using drugs or alcohol or even carrying a weapon.

10. Inappropriate sexual behaviours: Children who have been sexually abused may exhibit overly sexualized behavior or use explicit sexual language.

Some signs that a child is experiencing violence or abuse are more obvious than others. Trust your instincts. Suspected abuse is enough of a reason to probe further and contact the authorities if needed. It is extremely important that the child knows you trust him / her and never show doubt about the child's version of the story. You can always confirm the events later on but probing the child using harsh words or showing a lack of belief about what the child is saying will cause only further damage and the child may not report any further incidents. 

If you do suspect a child has been abused then

- Keep calm.

- Tell the child you believe them.

- Show interest and concern.

- Reassure and support the child.

Finally, remember that Prevention is better than Cure. Educate your child about good touch and bad touch and their right to not let anyone touch them. Let your child know you are always there for them. 

For workshops on child abuse awareness contact shobhika@jaju.in
(Article first published in Evescape, November, 2014 )

Busting the Parenting Myth.

What makes a perfect parent? Rather, who is a perfect parent? Everyday as parents you may have come across n number of articles, research, etc. that will tell you what you should do and what you shouldn't. This column in a way contributes to that as well. And to top it all you may have several friends or relatives or even your own parents who may be telling you all that you are doing wrong with your child and instead how to do it right.

Recently, I read something really interesting about the various myths that we have about parenting and how these myths are propagated by the parenting experts as well. I thought it could be of some interest to all of you to know about these myths and try busting them on your own.

Let's look at some common parenting myths and make an attempt to understand why a conventional piece of wisdom is a myth. Most of the following information has been sourced from the book 'Freaknomics' by Levitt & Dubner. 

Myth 1: A child living in a big joint family is almost always smarter than the one living in a nuclear family. 

Research has shown that children from broken families need not necessarily end up becoming rebellious or develop some form of hyperactivity disorder. Whether a child's family is intact or not doesn't affect his/ her personality or academic abilities either, at least in the early years. This is not to say that joint families are redundant but a joint family does not affect your child's IQ.

What matters is whether the child has highly educated parents or not. A child whose parents are highly educated typically does well in school. A family with a lot of schooling tends to value schooling. In sum, parents with higher IQs tend to get more education and IQ is strongly hereditary. Myth 2: The neighbourhood impacts a child all the time.

How many of us in today's world even know the names of our neighbours, forget being pally with them? Many a times, the neighbourhood that we live in is blamed for our child's misdoings, to the extent that our counsellors or senior relatives may even suggest moving into a better neighbourhood. And who defines which is a better neighbourhood? 

What matters more is not the neighbourhood that we live in but the parents socioeconomic status. A high socioeconomic status is linked to high test scores, which seems sensible. Socioeconomic status is a strong indicator of success in general - it suggests a higher IQ and more education - and successful parents are more likely to have successful children. But moving to a better neighbourhood doesn't improve a child's success in school. This may be because moving itself is a disruptive force; even more likely, it's because a nicer house doesn't improve math or reading scores any more than nicer sneakers make you jump higher. 

Myth 3:  It's always better if the child's mother stays at home between birth and kindergarten  years. 

A mother who stays at home from work until her child goes to kindergarten does not seem to provide any advantage. Obsessive parents might find this lack of correlation bothersome - after all what the point of all those good parenting classes. But that is what the data suggests. 

Myth 4: If a child watches a lot of television, he or she will most definitely fail their exams. 

Now, one issue that most parents often have with their child is that they watch too much television. I 
more often than not tell them to use it as an asset, that is, the TV as an learning aid, which believe me 
is pretty easy to do. So, data suggests that there is not much of a correlation between a child's test scores and television watching. Contrary to popular knowledge, television watching does not turn a person's mind to mess. Neither is there enough evidence that using a computer at home turns a child to Einstein. There is sufficient evidence, however, that a child whose parents are active in the PTA tend do to well in school, probably because these parents value education.

The aim of this article is not to scare you off and make you stop doing conventional things which may be helping you and your child. Neither have I tried to preach what is right or wrong. This article has been written in order to shed some light over how sometimes we overthink and overindulge in conventional wisdom even when they might be futile. So open up and explore all possibilities. Good luck. 

(Article first published in Evescape, August 2014)