Manage Your Child's Temper Tantrums

As counsellors, or experts dealing with young children, we have all heard, more often than not, about the various temper tantrum complains that parents have about their children. “My child throws things around if he doesn’t get what he wants”; “My daughter cries loudly and bangs her head on the wall to get what is denied to her”; “My son refuses to eat till promised that he will get chocolates later on”; these are all common laments of parents with children who throw temper tantrums.

So which behaviour can be rightly classified as a temper tantrum? A tantrum or temper tantrum is an emotional outbreak, usually associated with children or sometimes adults (often under emotional distress), typically characterised by stubbornness, crying, screaming, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification and in some cases, hitting. Some people with neurological conditions such as autism or intellectual disability are more prone to tantrums than others.

A tantrum may not always be an attempt to seek the gratification of a need. It could also be an inappropriate way of expressing oneself which the child has learned by imitation, or because it led to successfully attracting attention of the parent in the past and for other similar reasons. During a temper tantrum, children often cry, yell, and swing their arms and legs. Temper tantrums usually last 30 seconds to 2 minutes and are most intense at the start. Sometimes temper tantrums last longer and are more severe. The child may hit, bite, and pinch. These violent tantrums, in which children harm themselves or others, may be sign of a more serious problem. Temper tantrums are most common in children between ages 1 to 4, but anyone can have a tantrum- even adults.

Why Children throw tantrums? Research shows that children’s outbursts are as normal as a biological response to anger and frustration as yawn is to fatigue. Simply put, throwing tantrums is part and parcel of growing up. A tantrum is a normal response when something blocks a young child from gaining independence or learning a skill. The child may not yet have the skills to express anger and frustration in other ways. For example, a temper tantrum may occur when a child becomes frustrated when it’s time to go to bed but he /she want to stay up.

Some children are more likely to throw temper tantrums than other children. Factors that predispose a child to throwing tantrums are:

-  Level of stress

- Level of tiredness

- Child's Age

-   Presence of any physical, emotional or mental problem

-      - Parents’ behaviour: a child is more likely to have temper tantrums if parents react too strongly to poor behaviour or give in to the child’s demands.

Quick tips on managing a temper tantrum in very young children:

-                - Reduce your child’s stress as tired & hungry children are more likely to throw tantrums.

-             - Be aware of how your child is feeling. If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try distracting your child with another activity.

-        - When a tantrum occurs, stay calm or at least pretend to. Speak calmly and act deliberately and slowly.

-           - Wait out the tantrum as once a tantrum is in full swing the child will be in no mood to listen. -  - - -  - Further, any reaction on your part at this time will teach your child that tantrums attract your attention and thus reinforce his / her behaviour.

-            - Reward your child enthusiastically when they exhibit good behaviour.

-          - Keep a diary for your child’s tantrums for 7 to 10 days. Identify the situations in which tantrums are more likely, for e.g., at the mall; identify the trigger for your child’s tantrums, for e.g., refusing to buy him / her chocolate; and identify the consequences of the tantrum. Once you have identified the pattern of tantrums, you can establish a reward system to encourage your child for staying calm.

Remember, the key here is to stay calm in your interactions with your child. Most children outgrow temper tantrums with age and the use of basic tantrum management techniques. If your child does not outgrow the habit of throwing tantrums, seek professional help and help your child find healthier ways to deal with issues at hand. 

(Article First published in Evescape, March-April, 2015.)

Importance of Play in a Child's Life

"You can know more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation" - Plato

This quote holds true in the modern world even after decades of the great thinker saying it aloud. As a play therapist, I can vouch for the truth behind this statement and so will most other play therapists. 

In today's world, our children are under tremendous pressure from all quarters. Be it their parents, teachers or friends, everybody expects something out of a child who is still learning the ways of life. As parents we push our child to excel at academics while at the same time being the best at sports, dance & drama, perhaps at playing musical instruments, etc., etc. Simply put my child should be better than everyone else's children in the neighbourhood. As teachers we may knowingly or unknowingly compare our students with each other, praise a few and ignore a few. Whatever be the case, the bottom line is that today's average 8 yr. old or 12 yr. old is under much more pressure than we were. The desire to excel at everything which the child or rather his/her parent decides to do comes at one big cost. This cost is the "Elimination of Play" from a child's life. 

The focus of this article will be on what essentially is play and why is it crucial to the overall development of your child. 

"Play encompasses children's behaviour which is freely chosen, personally directed and intrinsically motivated. It is performed for no external goal or reward, and is a fundamental and integral part of healthy development - not only for individual children, but also for the society in which they live." (Source: WWW)

The important characteristics of play are:

- Freely chosen means that children themselves decide what, how and when to play. There is no set programme of playing and no specific steps to complete. 

- Personally directed means that children themselves decide the rules and roles they take within their play. 

- Intrinsically motivated means that play is taken up for its own sake and not indulged in for some rewards, certificates, etc. 

Play is a way more complex activity than what we think. Sociologist Mildred Parten discovered there are six types of play that a child will take part in, depending on their age, mood and social setting. They are:

• Unoccupied play Referring mostly to newborns and infants, the term unoccupied play refers to activity when a child actually isn't playing at all. He may be engaged in seemingly random movements, with no objective. Despite appearances, this is definitely play and setting the stage for future play exploration.
• Solitary (independent) play Just what it sounds like -- when your child plays alone. This type of play is important because it teaches a child how to keep himself entertained, eventually setting the path for being self sufficient. 
• Onlooker play is when a child simply observes other children playing and doesn't partake in the action. Don't worry if your little one is behaving this way -- it could be that the child feels shy or needs to learn the rules or maybe is the youngest and wants to just take a step back for a while. 
• Parallel play Put two three year olds in a room together and this is what you are likely to see: the two children having fun, playing side by side in their own little world. It doesn't mean that they don't like one another, they are just engaging in parallel play. Despite having little social contact with her playmate, children who parallel play actually learn quite a bit from one another like taking turns and other social niceties, because even though it appears they aren't paying attention to each other, they truly are and often mimic the other one's behavior. As such, this type of play is viewed as an important bridge to the later stages of play.
• Associative play Slightly different than parallel play, associative play also features children playing separately from one another, but in this mode of play they are involved with what the others are doing. This is an important stage of play because it helps little ones develop a whole host of skills -- socialisation  and problem solving and cooperation. Through associative play is how children begin to make real friendships.
• Cooperative play is where all the stages come together and children truly start playing together. Common in older preschoolers (or in younger preschoolers who have older siblings or have been around a lot of children), cooperative play brings together all of the social skills your child has been working on and puts them into action. Whether they are building a puzzle together, playing a board game, "house" or an outdoor game with a group, cooperative play really sets the stage for future interactions as your child matures into an adult.

Having time and space to play gives children the opportunity to meet and socialise with their friends, keeps them physically active, and gives the freedom to choose what they want to do. Research shows that play has many benefits for children, families and the wider community, as well as improving health and quality of life. Recent research suggests that children's access to good play provision can:

• increase their self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-respect
• improve and maintain their physical and mental health
• give them the opportunity to mix with other children
• allow them to increase their confidence through developing new skills
• promote their imagination, independence and creativity
• offer opportunities for children of all abilities and backgrounds to play together
• provide opportunities for developing social skills and learning
• build resilience through risk taking and challenge, problem solving, and dealing with new and novel situations
• provide opportunities to learn about their environment and the wider community.

A therapy form that employs the basic principles of play in dealing with the various issues faced by children is Play Therapy. This therapy form is most effective with children up to 12 yrs of age to work upon a lot of concerns primarily behavioural and emotional which are encountered by children of the primary school age. The basic philosophy behind play therapy is to let children be and engage in play in an environment that does not try to guide them. With constant exposure to an environment where children can let their guard down and be accepted the way they are, eventually leads to reduced behavioural and emotional disturbances. 

Let your child free for at least an hour a day and witness them explore their world as they deem fit. 1 hour of unstructured play time is one of the best gifts you can give to your child.

(Article first published in Evescape, January-February, 2015.)